SATIRE — After a week in which vicious hits caused a media firestorm and the implementation of a new rule by the NFL, Roger Goodell is looking to take safety to the next level. Goodell met with bubble wrap CEO Alfred Fielding Wednesday evening, to discuss putting Bubble Wrap into NFL uniforms.
“Obviously, the required padding isn’t doing its job. Players are still being injured,” Goodell said. “Bubble Wrap has protected packages for half a century, so why can’t it protect our players?”
Players simply cannot wear more padding without becoming too bulky. They would look ridiculous, in addition to having hindered movement and speed.
“We did consider pillow uniforms, but that would just be ridiculous!” said Goodell.
Bubble Wrap is the only material that makes sense. Players could wear up to five layers of Bubble Wrap and still compete at full speed. However, there are concerns about players overheating due to the bubbly material.
“Yes, we’re working on that,” Goodell boasted. “We have our design crew working with Bubble Wrap around the clock. I hear they are close to a breakthrough.”
There are even more concerns dealing with Bubble Wrap’s unfamiliarity with clothing or uniform design. Bubble Wrap was never meant to be worn by people.
“Yeah, I have no idea what I’m doing. However, money is money and the NFL is certainly giving me a lot of it,” Bubble Wrap CEO Alfred Fielding said in his only released statement.
Even with the concerns, there is still reason to believe Bubble Wrap uniforms could be a success for everyone. First off, the players will be much more protected. Secondly, the severity of hits could be measured by how many bubbles are popped. For example, one popped bubble could be a 5 yard penalty, two popped bubbles could be a 10 yard penalty and so on until fines and suspensions come into play.
The Bubble Wrap uniforms could even increase ticket and jersey sales. Die-hard fans would want to keep up with the latest NFL fashions and would want to see the new uniforms up close. Bubble Wrap catchphrases would develop as fan favorites (“Wow, he really popped him on that one!” for example).
If you are still wary on the subject, just take this into consideration:
Who doesn’t love Bubble Wrap?
Exactly.
